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I have just returned from a jog. It’s shocking to state that statement. It seems it might have been a decade since the previous time. However I recently discovered that I have slightly high cholesterol, and doctors suggested to engage in vigorous activity regularly.

For the first time ever in my existence that the reason to work out has been my health status. In my youth, I jogged because I desired to slim down. I also jogged to alleviate nervousness – I was merely escaping from the anxiety, instead of dealing with it. At other times, I exercised because I sought to improve in running. This was the definition to me back then to create a better life.

Jogging with altered intent now got me thinking about the methods I’ve interacted with my body during my years and its transformation as I progress from being a young person to being a middle-aged person. I don’t think I’ve honored my body, not deep down. I’ve appreciated it just for its functions and the aims it served me: trying to attract others; dodging sentiments; achieving a quicker five kilometers. Up to now, I’ve not understood that I am my body, it embodies my life, as opposed to a tool for outcomes.

Much has been discussed for ages about the split involving physical and mental aspects – a topic it’s comforting to know, I’ll avoid detailing here. What resonated most intriguing is Sigmund Freud’s view that consciousness and physique are innately connected from birth, because physical maturation demands emotional evolution and vice versa. The infant’s bodily experiences – for example the bodily feeling of hunger – propel the brain to build the skill to recognise hunger as an emotion that is alleviated by eating; and the mental reassurance and satisfaction consistently provided by meal after meal supports the child’s mind similar to the nutrition fuels them corporally. So too mental events – for instance the desire to get up and grab an object, and the resolve to persist through effort – are the cause and means the body develops power. From our earliest moments, mind and body are intertwined in mutual development as integrated as DNA strands.

Yet It’s become clear, during therapy with my psychoanalyst, that mental and physical aspects might experience a different kind of relationship – a more separated and more exploitative. My mind can use my body to hold and display things that my psyche deems unacceptable or intolerable. In analysis we realized that exist certain emotions that I fear are too much for me; in place of experiencing them mentally, I unconsciously push them into bodily form, where they remain as bodily signs.

I often had this with indigestion – which had nothing to do with my diet, but acted as a form of corporeal reaction of the harsher emotions I failed to handle psychologically. It wasn’t an intentional act, but when it was brought to awareness by my analyst, and my fear and sensitivity and anger and terror could be felt and articulated in place of changed into bodily feelings, it disappeared. It’s uncommon for me from stomach problems currently.

The worst time I endured this terrible acid reflux, I was unable to sleep for many nights straight. I felt I was forfeiting my mind. I visited a general practitioner, who arranged multiple scans and tests, but no issues were found corporally problematic. It turned out to be an alternate medic who suggested that the origin may be mental. My analyst did not disagree. I was surprised, but I also knew it to be true.

Whenever someone is suffering a corporeal problem, they might feel insulted upon hearing that it could have a mental root. They can experience like disrespect, being told that their illness isn’t real. Naturally such cases occur – some face their suffering discounted or misdiagnosed. But in some cases it’s possible that the physical symptoms exist – no question – and the source is psychological, the inner mind employing the body to express emotional hurt or rage or whichever sentiment awareness is unable to bear. Occasionally, we might assume our feelings is only valid only through expression in physical form. We often undervalue our psychological well-being as individuals, as a society and within our culture; why else would we tolerate the shocking elimination of psychological therapies in public healthcare?

My experiences have revealed that a better life cannot be created if we remain trapped unawares in patterns of interaction, within ourselves and with others, that originate in disregard, exploitation and dealings. These dynamics tend to be simpler to recognize “externally” in broader culture. It’s perhaps less comfortable to consider how they got out there, and to see these shapes within ourselves and in intimate connections, in the dynamics of our mental lives.

However it’s valuable to continue. When I put my running shoes again following many years, venturing out not for a better body, or to eliminate a feeling, or to surpass a 5km time, {it